Angel of Hope

It's really funny how things happen in life sometimes. Especially when you least expect to need it.

Two weeks ago I received a phone call from one of my best friends and during that phone call she told me to expect a package in the mail from her that week.

So let's rewind. 3 weeks ago is when I had my first questionable bfp. I tested again the next morning (Monday) and had a true very faint positive. Called my RE and went in that day for my first HCG draw and repeated it 2 days later on that Wednesday. And all was looking swell!

Tiffany had called me Sunday of our very exciting week, unaware of the events that had played out that week. Did not know of our bfp yet or anything. While on the phone she had told me that the day before she called (Saturday) she was at the store and she saw this sweet little figure from the willow tree collection, the Angel of Hope. She said when she saw it that God spoke to her and let her know that I was in need of that little figurine. When she told me this I asked her if she had read my blog from that week (she is the only friend that I have let into my blog thus far). She told me she hadn't but that she would read it when she had a chance. I left it at that, figured I would let our good news surprise her that way.

Initially I was so hopeful about everything that I did not quite understand why God led her to buy me that particular figure, but incredibly thankful none the less.

Then we come to that Monday and I have my third HCG draw and getting results that I wasn't as thrilled with on Tuesday. And I realized God new exactly what he was doing when he told her to get that figure for me. He knew that I wasn't going to be satisfied with Monday's results and that I was going to need Hope to get through it. He put Tiffany in the right place at the right time and reminded me that HE is the decision maker.

Since then we have definitely been faced with a little obstacle but I am constantly reminded buy my gracious gift that to be hopeful is the best medicine! And for that I am indebted to Tiffany's gratitude for this precious gift.

I truely could not ask for a better friend!

And there is always a but.....

Sorry I am so far behind in posts!  I have 2 other posts to make besides this one.  So expect those over the next few days!

Well today is the big 6 week mark!  I went back to my RE today to have our first ultrasound and discuss next steps.  Since my last post I have felt so much better about everything!  I think I just needed and emotional day to get past it and to start thinking positive again.  That doesn't mean that I was any less anxious about today though.  6 weeks is just one of those maybe/maybe not mile stones as far as seeing much on the ultrasound and I really, really, really needed to be able to see something on the ultrasound.  My husband went with me and boy was I glad he did!! 

This is what we saw:

 

Yup we have a baby there!!  It was surreal to see our little bean!  And then.....  our ultrasound tech said "do you see that little flicker?"  and I had to look closely because initially I did not see it but it was there!  The heart beat!!  I asked her if she was going to be able to measure it and give us a number and she did, a beautiful 115!!  The goal in the 6th week is 100-128 since it just started to beat!  To say we were beyond thrilled was an understatement. Every time she moved the probe I just wanted to see the baby and its little heart!  She also told me that we are currently measuring 6w1d which is as she said "you have a little over achiever!"  I told her that I had thought I O'd a day early this cycle so I was not really surprised by the measurement!

 

She gave us 3 little pictures as a keep sake! 

 

And then we went to the waiting room to wait for our doctor's appointment.  Of course at this point things became so much more real and the hubs and I discussed lots of future things because we just could not contain our excitement! 

 

We finally saw the doctor and he said "everything looks good BUT... you have a subchorionic hemorrhage."  What!!  Are you kidding me!!  I mean really!  My heart just sank instantly because things aren't as perfect as we thought 10 minutes ago.  Its a small hemorrhage measuring in at 0.55cm, but its there.  My RE said he was not that concerned by it because it was so small so I am going to have to go with that over the next week.  He wants another ultrasound next Thursday because of the hemorrhage just to check to see if its gone, bigger, or stable.  As long as all is well after that appointment I will be released back to my regular OBGYN.  He told me to call my OB today and go ahead and get an appointment set up since it can take a few weeks sometimes.  So now we wait another week. 

 

I will pray and pray and pray that everything turns out OK.  I of course did the no-no thing and googled and could not find anyone posting anything about a hemorrhage as small as mine and another website said something along the lines as long as it stays stable or improves that the chance of continuing on as a health pregnancy is 81% so for now I will take those odds because they are in my favor! 

 

Grow little baby grow!  and Go away little hemorrhage!!

Monday's results

Well I had my third and final HCG yesterday and I am left not knowing exactly how to feel. My results came back today at 539, which is still good, just lower than I was expecting. I went from doubling every 32 hours to every 48 and although that is still very good I am just confused/concerned at why I slowed so much. I probably shouldn't be but when going through infertility and a previous miscarriage I just don't really know how to feel. I guess scared.

I just want this baby so much. I can't imagine the heartache of loosing another one and I hope I don't have to. I am going to try to stay as positive as I can until my ultrasound because neither the baby nor I need the stress.

That brings me to another topic that I dont know how to feel about. The ultrasound. My RE normally does an ultrasounds at 6.5-7 weeks so that way it ALMOST guarantees you will see the heart beat. Well my RE will be out of town in between my 6.5-7 weeks so he wants me to come in at 6 weeks exactly, 10/18. There is so much chance at that point that I won't see the heartbeat Because it may just be a couple of days to early. And I don't want to risk not seeing it and stressing more. He wants me to have it done and doesn't want to wait until he returns to perform it. So I am kind of stuck. Next week is going to be hard enough as it is that I NEED the 18th to bring good results. Next Tuesday 10/16 was my due date from my miscarriage and right now I just fear that history is going to repeat itself. It was at my 6 weeks to the day with that pregnancy that I new 100% that I was loosing my baby.

Please Lord give me the hope and strength to get through these next couple of weeks.

We Have Had A Change In Plans!!

Our plans have completely changed.  It all started this past Sunday September 30th when I realized I was probably 11 or 12 DPO and I had not started spotting....  I decided what the heck, lets take a test.  So I pulled out my last remaining dollar store test and pee'd on it... After 5-10 minutes I could see a shadow, but I couldn't determine whether or not it had any color.  I was baffled all day on whether or not it was an evap line or something more.  I took a few pictures of it because I wanted to tweak it on countdowntopregnancy.com.  So I did.  On that website people can also vote on your little stick to determine whether or not they think it is a positive or not.  I posted 2 pictures of my little stick, one with bathroom lighting and one with outdoor natural lighting.  The results were pretty inconclusive.  The vote for my indoor pick was 75% + to 25% -, roughly.  And the complete reverse was true for my outside test.

So I pondered this all day long.  I did not tell my husband that I had tested or that I was confused by what my little dollar store cheapy was trying to tell me.  So that night I decided I needed to pull out a FRER, initially I figured I would wait to the morning when I could use FMU however the suspense was killing me so I just had to do it.  I had 2 left, I figured one that night and one in the morning.  Perfect!

So I pee'd on the FRER, and really there wasnt anything there.  I evaluated it in all kinds of different lighting situations like I know many of us infertiles do!!  And I felt like all I could see was an indent line, no color, no nothing.  So I put it down and left it.  Thinking non stop about my little stick while I went back to the computer to continue working on my upcoming presentation.  My little stick kept drawing me to it.  I just had to look again.  Probably 10-15 mins later, heck maybe even 20 minutes I noticed the faintest of pink lines.  I was like ok, what the heck 2 tests today that have evap lines??  I finally decided that I had to tell the husband what the days events had held and that I was incredibally confused!!  I told him I would use my last FRER in the morning and if nothing was there then I would wait out AF.

Needless to say I did not sleep well that night.  The anticipation was killing me!!!  I woke up, ran to the bathroom, pulled out my last beautiful FRER and pee'd on it.  Within the 3 minute time window there was the faintest of faint lines!!  Ok I thought, this has to mean something right??? 

I woke the hubs up, told him the results and told him I needed to call a doctor that day.  But I didnt know which doctor to call....  Should I call my RE or my OBGYN??  My RE and I had not discussed what to do if in fact the HSG was all I needed and I ended up with a BFP....  My husband tells me to slow down, not get to excited and reminded me about our miscarriage.  I told him that was exactly why I needed to call a doctor!  I needed levels and I wanted progesterone.  After I said that out loud to him I knew my best bet and getting what I felt like I needed was through the RE!

So I went to work and waited for the RE's office to open.  I left a message with my RE's nurse and told her about my positive test.  She called me back and said "we need you to come in today to get a blood test!!"  She had urgency in her voice, and I loved it!  I asked her about the progesterone and she said she would call it into the pharmacy as soon as we hung up the phone.  Brilliant!

I went to the office that Monday at 3w4d and had my blood drawn.  I had to wait until Tuesday to get my results.  When the phone rang that Tuesday I had to sit down to listen.  My HCG was 38 and they were happy about that.  And wanted a retest on Wednesday.  At this point I was so thankful that A:  I called on Monday and B: That I called on Monday because I was flying out on Wednesday to leave for PA.  So I was able to stop by the RE's office on the way to the airport.

My RE's nurse said that they wanted my HCG to rise by at least 60% by Wednesday.  I calculated out what a 60% rise would look like so I had a goal in mind and figured I needed to reach 62.  So I had my husband, myself and one of my BFF's take a poll on what my HCG would be on Wednesday.  The results were as follows:  DH: 42 (now he had no idea how much HCG should rise in an normal pregnancy so I had to explain that to him.  once he understood he said 85)  BFF: 295 and Me: 95

I got the glorious phone call yesterday that it was 97!!  Yes!!  That means (because I like to figure these things out and countdowntopregnancy.com has this cool little feature where you can type everything in) I was doubling at a rate of 32.5 hours!! 

All week I have been rubbing the right side of my lower abdomen (since my HSG showed that my uterus was on the right side) and saying grow baby grow!!!

My RE likes to follow patients with serial HCG's until you have reached 100.  They wanted me to come in today to have another lab draw but seeing as how I was in PA to present at a national conference I was not availble to be in TN to have my lab drawn.  We agreed on Monday.  At that point my HCG should be anywhere from 400 (doubling every 72) to 1100 (doubling every 32).  My guess is 852, somewhere in the middle! 

I have a very good feeling that this little "bub" is here to stay!  Thank you God for my many blessings!