The Perfect Golf Game

Sometimes it's so hard to take my mind off of TTC, but I know I have to sometimes to help my relationship with DH.  We struggle with this issue as I am sure some other IF couples have.  I become so focused on wanting a baby that I push our relationship aside.

So yesterday DH only had a half day of work and I was off and we went golfing!  DH loves to golf and he wanted to go so I agreed.  I like golf I just suck at it!  We decided at the beginning of the game that there was an 8 stroke limit.  This way we would prevent to many people from having to play through us.  Well on our 9-hole game I made a perfect 8 on each hole!  Ha!  To bad the object is lowest score wins.

It was a nice relaxing afternoon with the wind blowing through the golf cart and just relaxing trying not to think about TTC.  DH smokes on occasion (which I hate by the way) and since we have our RE appointment coming up I have asked him to quit.  In fact our RE's office has a no smoking policy saying that they have the right to not treat smokers since it can impact the treatments that they do.  I thought that this policy would help him to quit, but it hasn't.  This frustrates me.  I feel like if I have to go through the testing and possible hormone injections that the least he could do is quit.  At our golf game though I bit my tongue, it wasn't supposed to be a day focused on TTC so I just kept my mouth shut, no matter how much it bothered me....

Oh the joys of TTC on my mind.

Countdown to RE!!!

Two weeks from today we embark on a different ttc journey!!  I really have a lot of mixed emotions about this.  One minute I am elated, then scared to death.  But I guess that's just part of it.  After we had ttc for one year I was not ready to give up and admit that there was a problem.  I felt like we just needed more time and that we would be able to do this on our own. 

After one year of ttc I was forced to take a couple months off because I needed to have surgery to help my hoarse voice become stronger.  After the surgery we jumped right back on the ttc band wagon and were successful the first try!  We were so excited and realistic at the same time.  Each day we talked about our little bean and dreamed about the future as new parents.  Unfortunately my bean was not a sticky bean and at only 6 weeks pregnant I had a mc.  It broke my heart and left me devastated. 

My pregnancy did help me though, even though emotionally it was the hardest thing I have ever dealt with.  I was not a fan of my previous OB/GYN so getting my first BFP led me to a new OB/GYN, one that came highly recommended by my BFF!!  He was willing to admit that we probably had a problem somewhere, where as my old OB wanted to teach me about how the birds and bees work.... REALLY!!  I really like my new doc and hope that soon enough I will go back to him with another BFP, this time one that sticks.

I think the thing that is so scary about the RE is the fact that just maybe he will make our dreams come true.  I have these feelings of elation at the thought and then fear that I wont be good enough for my baby.

I know that I have a good OB now because he thought it was a really good idea that I made an appointment with an RE.  Many doctors wouldn't be so happy about that because they think they know everything.  I am glad my OB is happy! 

So this is the start of my TWW and my TWW to RE!  How ironic is that!!  My next CD1 is supposed to be the day of my RE appointment, doesn't really leave me any time to cancel if this is our month.  However I have honestly lost all confidence in us doing this on our own anyway so I do not really suspect to have to cancel.

Really hoping that there are only good things in our ttc future!

My Breast Friend!

So I have to say the other day when I went for my ultrasound that the breast center that I went to was amazingly organized and quick!  Turns out though that unfortunately I ended up having to get a mammogram anyway which was unexpected to me.  It is just there protocol that anyone over the age of 25 that feels a lump has to have a mammogram.  My mammogram included 9 squeezing films!  Yuck!

The ironic thing about having this unexpected mammogram is that they couldn't see anything on the mammogram other then my "dense" fibrocystic changes.  So I proceeded on to my ultrasound.  The lady was very nice and half way through she said "everything is looking good so far, I just see a lot of cysts."  No big deal right??  Well then she got quiet.....  I knew that she had found something I just didn't know what.  So after she completed the ultrasound she told me just to lay there and relax she just had to go to "make sure" the report uploaded in the other room.  Again I knew this meant she was going to get the doctor.  Sure enough less than 2 minutes later the doctor walks in, starts scanning my left breast himself and shows me my little "tumor."  The good thing is that he "thinks" its a fibroadenoma which is generally a benign tumor, however the only way to definitively diagnose that is through a fine needle biopsy.  Or he said that I could have an Ultrasound every six months for about 2 years to watch and make sure it does not grow.  My pick.  He said that if he was overly concerned he wouldn't give me a choice he would just say "biopsy it is."

At this point I am just going to think about it, pray about it and hope that I hear God when he guides me to the decision that I need to make.  For today I am not worried.

I was reading about these little fibroadenoma's online and it refers to these types of tumors as like mice!   What!!  I have a mouse in my boob!!  They call them mice because they like to "run and hide" when messed with!  Clever!

Ha! 

This weekend I plan on creating a tab with our TTC journey! 

Feel free to give me your thoughts on what you would do in my shoes, because maybe your guidance is what God wants me to know!

Fibrocystic Breast Changes

The title says it all right??  Well maybe not all of the story. 

When I was 30 and at my annual GYN appointment my doctor (at the time) asked me if I had any family history of breast cancer.  I told him that my paternal grandmother had breast cancer at some point in her life.  He shocks me with the news that "well if your 30 and there is a family history then its time for your first mammogram!"  What!!  You have got to be kidding right, I was only 30!

His office was set up for mammography so low and behold he brings me a gown and sends me down the hall.  I really did not know what to expect.  I should though because I am a nurse...  So I am in this room and the radiology tech has me remove my gown, she then flops my boob on this device and proceeds to "massage" it out...  Yuck!  I don't know about any of you but a woman massaging my breast is not my idea of a good time!

Low and behold it came from that mammogram the diagnosis of fibrocystic breast changes.  Great, thanks mom for the wonderful inheritance!!  My doctor told me he wanted me to have yearly mammo's in order to keep a good eye on it.  Now I am a nurse on a pediatric stem cell transplant and am very versed in the dangers of radiation so I was not keen on his idea of yearly mammo's especially since I am exposed to so many toxins and radiations when I am at work.  So I had no intention of listening to this doctor. 

Last year when I went for my yearly he again said "its time for your mammo" and I proceeded to tell him "no."  We had a good discussion about the situation and then I thought of my way out.  I had (at the time) recently had a chest CT scan because of a newly diagnosed paralyzed left vocal cord.  So because the CT included my chest and it came up empty handed in the way my breasts he said I could skip the mammo that year.

After a few bad experiences at that OB/GYN's office I decided to look around.  However I am not always very proactive in these situations so it took my getting pregnant to finally find a new doctor. 

I love my new doctor!  He is great!!  I have seen in more in the last 7 months then I would like but hey at least he is Great!  And he agrees with me about not needing yearly mammo's!!!  Even more reason to like him!!

However.....  About 6 weeks ago I started to have pain on the outside portion of my left breast (the side closer to my arm pit).  Now I am not one that usually has breast tenderness prior to my cycle, but I thought well maybe that's what it was.  Or of course I had the hopeful maybe this is my BFP month!!  But my period came and went and the pain stayed.  About 2 weeks ago (mid cycle) I noticed a lump, and it was so tender to the touch that just touching the skin was annoying.  So I made an appointment with my OB/GYN and he was able to feel the lump also.

He figures since I have known fibrocystic breast tissue that its probably just a new cyst, but he is proactive and wants me to have an ultrasound of my lump.  Again I am so loving this guy and the fact that he doesn't want to expose me to any extra radiation!!  He said that if the breast center felt it deserved a mammo after looking at in on ultrasound then that's what needed to be done but until then just an ultrasound!

Ultrasound is scheduled for tomorrow! 

Everyone Else has Joined the Blog World, Thought I should Too!

We live in a world of blogging these days, so I figured "what the heck" might as well have one too!! 

You all are going to have to hang with me as I am new to this and not exactly sure how all of this works!!